Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
🤣🤣🤣
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
#dnd #ttrpg
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
“TGIM!” – My liver
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?