uh oh
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Squirrels before girls.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
As the Lord intended
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.