Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything