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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
How dude HOW?!
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Festive toon…
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.