medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
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Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Yes, but it was never about money
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho