Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.