You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
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Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’m giving up ice.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Based Erika
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.