I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
You Might Also Like
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.