I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
termite twitter scares me
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them