A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Had an epiphany today.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.