A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich