Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho