11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
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One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.