you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.