FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
BETRAYAL
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home