The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
A new level of troll.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
What my back needs
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse