7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.