I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
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I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
hi why am I like this
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.