Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
You Might Also Like
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.