The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
repaired
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.