“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
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People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*