Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
#CatsOnTwitter
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?