If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
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me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.