if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
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Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Meowchelangelo
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”