Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
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Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.