Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again