doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.