officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
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This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.