Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Same pineapple, same
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…