Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.