If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read