I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Doggies just call it style.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”