*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN