Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what