Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”