when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
He just like my cat fr
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.