Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Pretty much. 🤣
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell