[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
my retirement plan is braless
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace