My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
You deplete me
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
never deleting this app.