It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
so i’m at the stock market right
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work