The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.