how to market bottled water to dads
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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.