I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?