Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Yup
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not