wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO