[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
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“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.