If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what