I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed