I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
You Might Also Like
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”