“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
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Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Ironic
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it